Dear Coupledom(for my married friends),
We singles know that we don’t fit into your social paradigm. We have our reasons. Like that last friend of yours that you tried to inflict upon me. Hmmm, stick to your Velveeta nacho concoctions, Cupid. They are the bomb!
mejor solo que mal acompañado
So before you attempt to rescue, influence and heal(conjure your best southern faith healer) us happy singles with your romantic whims, here are my top ten things to avoid and simply relax with us singles this Christmas:
1. ” Oh, you must be Judy!” is not the best first intro line to my female guest that you have not yet met. Guessing names has consequences. Her retort: “You must be Doc’s neighbor with the big Velveeta inventory!”.
2. “Do you still keep in contact with ______?” to me about an ex or “Have you met Doc’s old girlfriend ______?” to my guest could be the highlight of the evening discussion. Gossip about my snuffed flames and recently shared lab reports can wait until the sheets are changed, Hop Sing.
3. “He is such a recluse, he never socializes with anyone.”. Hmmm a) just because I don’t hang with YOU, does not make me anti-social b) Thanks for being such a solid wing man/woman by highlighting my best character traits c) Why did I say yes to your party? Was it the 3 Buck Chuck, Otis Campbell?
4. “Do you truly love him?” to my guest. OUCH. WTF kind of judgement question is that all about? “When is the wedding?”, “How soon is conception?” and “What is your safe word?” are in this category. Asking about my “status” with my guest is about as appropriate as my “Have you two reconciled your wife’s flings with the neighbors?” to you. Pssst, the neighbors tell me that you are missing out on your wife’s talents, Dr Phil.
5. “She’s single. You’re single.” are the deep thinking analytics that most marrieds use to cross-pollinate their single friends. The new dating site “Noah’s Ark” also uses this criterion. Repeat: stick to the food/wine pairings, Chuck Barris. Most of us are not lonely and enjoy our friends. We prefer our happy lives rather than getting the parchment on the wall declaring some official and socially acceptable title.
6. “Should we get you a date for our traditional gathering or can you find someone all by your pathetic self?”. Wowzillas. If my guest status is not welcome as a single, I prefer to stay home knitting my afghan and sipping my porridge while watching “Burl Ives Christmas Carols” on my VCR.
How about we take this to the bedroom?…I whispered to my snacks.
7. If I do bring a guest to your extravaganza, please ease up on the interrogation. Let your need-to-know impulse yield to welcoming and accommodating the newest guest to your home. I’ll ask her to bring resume copies and a urine sample, Detective Friday.
8. “How did you meet?” is perfectly ok and can be fun. “How many dates did it take to ______?” was asked last year. Gadzooks, back to #4, that status curiosity is a no-fly zone. Later that night, it can also be the place where boners go to die. Watchit, cuz I might come back with “So, Joe, Sue tells me you guys did it twice last month. Is that a new record, studboy?”.
9. Cornering me at the party with coupledom advice like the restaurant to take her, when to, how to and “Don’t blow it” is sort of complimentary. But, taking advice from someone that has been married for 25 years about dating is a lot like getting marriage advice from the catholic priest. “Bless me father, for I am single. So does the wine work more effectively on the nuns or the altar boys?”.
10. Does it really cost $10,000 in diamonds every Christmas to show her that you care, Jared? And it’s $1,000 minimum just to begin with a kiss, Kay? Us single guys really want to know.
This post will assure that invitations contemplated for me have been canceled this Christmas season. But FLEAS NAVYDAD to you and yours. I make a delicious porridge.
Bajadock, Certified Lover, not Fighter, Cheers